Chuck Klosterman is funny.

I'm currently reading "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" by Chuck Klosterman.  Chuck is one clever bastard.  The book is a series of essays that alternately have me laughing out loud (Billy Sim), calling bullshit (33), and wondering what the hell he's talking about (The Lady or the Tiger).

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto

Chuck Klosterman

Anyhow, Chuck has a series of twenty-three questions that he claims to ask everyone he meets in order to determine if they could possibly become a valid love interest for him.  Some of these questions really amused me, so I thought I would share a few with you all to discuss.  I'm pulling these directly from the book- please don't sue me, Chuck K.  I really don't have any money.  I'm just a simple librarian.

1.  Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician.  Let us assume he can do five simple tricks- he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein.  These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five.  HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with REAL MAGIC.  It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space.  He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.  Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

2.  Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope.  He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile.  And, let us assume that- for some reason- every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes.  You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.  Would you attempt to do this?

3.  Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster.  In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity.  These events happen on the same afternoon.  That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.  You are the front-page editor of the "New York Times:" What do you play as the biggest story?

4.  You meet the perfect person.  Romantically, this person is ideal: you find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate.  However, they have this one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson's gothic puppet fantasy "The Dark Crystal."  Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with "Dark Crystal" references, uses "Dark Crystal" analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy."  Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?

5.  You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago.  The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money.  When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street.  You look at this random stranger.  The wizard says, "I will now make them a dollar more attractive."  He waves his magic wand.  Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different.   But- somehow- this person is suddenly a little more appealing.  The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny that this person is vaguely sexier.  This wizard has a weird rule, though- you can only pay him once.  You can't keep giving him money until you're satisfied.  You can only pay him one lump sum up front.  How much cash do you give the wizard?

Discuss.